Emotionally Unavailable

Aka I'm Heartbroken, Wanna Fuck?

I never understood what people meant when they said they were emotionally unavailable. No matter how exhausted or sad I was, I could always find some reserve energy to fall in love. The possibility of being loved re-energized me the way there’s always room in your dessert stomach.

Case in point, the one time in my twenties that I solemnly announced a year off dating (hear ye, hear ye!!), the break lasted 2 weeks before I met a cute sociology grad student and started dating him. A few months later I met my husband and barreled into that romance too.

When I asked my husband why he originally fell in love with me, he said I was a sponge for love and affection. I was so hungry for it. I valued moments of deep connection, bodies and minds meeting, above anything else and prioritized this experience. It took me much later in life to realize this isn’t true for everyone. People find meaning in different things and people act very differently depending on their revealed priorities.

Recently I found out that one of my long-term partners has been cheating on me for years, with many people.

We were at a teppanyaki restaurant (a cuisine that is now ruined for me, thanks). His phone was face up on the table. A text came in. Then another. Nudes. Texts about meeting up to hook up the following week.

His panic was evident. He grabbed the phone. I begged him to stay and talk to me. He ran to the bathroom anyway.

I stayed at the counter, sobbing while the chef kept performing in front of me.

When he came back, he told me he had panicked. What he had actually done, in his panic, was delete the texts I’d just seen, along with every other text thread with that person on his phone.

It’s a particular kind of humiliation to be cheated on inside of poly. The whole structure is built on the idea that you don’t have to lie. You can sleep with whomever you want. You just have to say so.

I thought that because I was poly, I would be safe from this specific kind of hurt. Turns out not.

I wish I had spicy stories of adventure and romance to share with my lovely readers, but I’m running a bit low right now. I feel so hurt that I can barely write.

The real injury here isn’t the sex. And it’s not even lying in the abstract. It’s the asymmetry of it all. I was fully transparent while he wasn’t, which makes me a sucker.

I’m a little worried for myself because this state of emotional unavailability is such a departure. But I’m also weirdly relieved to finally feel the other side. For years I didn’t understand the emotionally unavailable people I dated. I’m happy to have some insight now.

As for what comes next? I have no idea. What will Vortex’s love life look like in 2026? Too early to tell.

I guess, for anyone who has wanted to casually date me but wasn’t able to commit to a full-blown relationship, now is your time to strike ;) It might not last very long. Eventually I think I will bounce back and return to my full romantic self.